How to win a Nobel Price

Posted on 17th October 2010 in Country Jokes, Farm Jokes, For the Kids

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, “Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?”
The farmer replies, “I’m trying to win a Nobel Prize.”
“How?” asks the man, puzzled.
“Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . . to people who are out standing in their field.”

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Sweeping out the Tent

Posted on 16th October 2010 in For the Kids

John was hard at work with the broom in his family’s tent.
His mother came in and said, ‘That’s nice. Are you sweeping out the tent?’
‘No,’ John answered. ‘I’m sweeping out the dirt.’

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Acting Scared

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Jokes, Farm Jokes, For the Kids

Cindy and Mindy were walking through a field. Suddenly they saw a huge bull heading toward them. Cindy started shaking.
‘Don’t act so scared,’ her friend said.
‘I’m not acting!’ Cindy muttered.

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Walk to Town

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Jokes, For the Kids

Terry and Debbie were camping with their parents deep in the woods.
‘How far is it to town?’ Terry wanted to know.
‘Six miles,’ said Debbie.
‘That’s too far to walk,’ Terry replied.
‘It’s not too bad,’ Debbie said. ‘We can each walk three miles!’

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Country Musicians Music Lingo

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Music Jokes

12 Tone Scale:  The thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailor truck with.

A 440: The highway that runs around Nashville.

Aeolian Mode:  How you like Mama’s cherry pie.

Altos:  Not to be confused with “Tom’s toes,” “Bubba’s toes” or “Dori-toes.”

Arpeggio: “Ain’t he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?”

Bach Chorale: The place behind the barn where you keep the horses.

Bass: The things you run around in Softball.

Bassoon: Typical response when asked what you hope to catch and when.

Big Band: When the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

Bossa Nova: The car your foreman drives.

Cadenza: The ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off when company comes.

Cello: The proper way to answer the phone.

Clarinet: Name for your second daughter if you’ve already used Betty Jo.

Clef: What you try to never fall off of.

Bass Clef: Where you wind up if you do fall off.

Conductor: The man who punches your ticket to Birmingham.

Cut Time: Parole.

Cymbal: What they use on deer-crossing signs so you know what to sight-in your pistol with.

Diminished 5th: An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.

1st Inversion: Grandpa’s battle group at Normandy.

Major Scale: What you say after chasing wild game up a mountain; “Whew!” That was a major scale!”

Melodic Min.: Loretta Lynn’s singing dad.

Minor 3rd: Your approximate age & grade at the completion of formal schooling.

Order of Sharps: What a wimp gets at the bar.

Passing Tone: Frequently heard near the baked beans at family barbecues.

Perfect 5th: A full bottle of Jack Daniels.

Perfect Pitch: The smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

Pianissimo: “Refill this beer bottle.”

Portamento: A foreign country you’ve always wanted to see.

1/4 tone: What most standard pickups can haul.

Relative Major: An uncle in the Marine Corps.

Relative Minor: A girlfriend.

Repeat: What you do until they just expel you.

Ritard: There’s one in every family.

Sonata: What you get from a bad cold or hay fever.

Staccato: How you did all your ceilings in your mobile home.

Tempo: Good choice for a used car.

Time Signature: What you need from your boss if your forget to clock in.

Transpositions: Men who wear dresses.

Treble: Women ain’t nothin’ but.

Tuba: A compound word: “Hey, woman! Fetch me another tuba Bryll Cream!”

Whole Note: What’s due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

comments: Closed

Play Country Music Backwards

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Music Jokes

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?
The first row at a Willie Nelson concert!

How many country singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to do it and one to sing a song reminiscing about all
the good times he had with the old bulb.

What happens if you play country music backwards?
your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you
get out of prison.

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On the road again

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Music Jokes

A man who wanted to be a proctologist decided to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little.(don’t ask)  Once inside he uncovers the first stiff and notices there is a cork in it’s ass.
He thought it quite strange, so he pulled it out and music started playing! “…On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…”
He freaked out and ran to get the Medical Examiner and dragged him back to the table.
“Look!” he said, and pulled the cork out again. “…On the road again…”
The Medical Examiner is totally unimpressed saying “So what?”
“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?” the man asked.
“Are you kidding?” replied the Medical Examiner. “Any asshole can sing country music!”

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It is easy to milk a cow

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Animal Jokes, Farm Jokes, For the Kids

Camper: Is it easy to milk a cow?
Farmer: Sure it is. Any jerk can do it.

Farmer: Cows are not good dancers.
Camper: How do you know?
Farmer: They have two left feet!

Camper: Look at that bunch of cows.
Farmer: Not bunch, herd.
Camper: Heard what?
Farmer: Of cows.
Camper: Sure I’ve heard of cows.
Farmer: No, I mean a cowherd.
Camper: So what? I have no secrets from cows!

Q: Why do cows wear bells around their necks?
A: Because their horns don’t work.

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Two music lovers were being held hostage

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Music Jokes

Two music lovers were being held hostage and both were going to be shot.
One of them was a country music lover and the other enjoyed all kinds of music.  Before they were shot they were asked  for one last request before they died.
The country music lover said, “I would like to listen to Achy Breaky Heart’ fifty times in a row.”
The other music lover says, “Please, shoot me first.”

comments: Closed

Golden Wedding Anniversary

Posted on 16th October 2010 in Country Jokes, Farm Jokes

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

“Let’s have a party, Homer,” she suggested. “Let’s kill a pig.”

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. “Gee, Ethel,” he finally answered, “I don’t see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago.”

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